Please Help

Her Story:

I can honestly say that I don't believe I will ever overcome this.  I am sorry to tell you but your friend as you know her is not and never will be the same, ever again. There are too many things that will always remind me of what I have done and what could have been.

August 4th, 2008, the day before, when I still had a miracle inside me.  

August 5th procedure date — the day I had the chance to not do what I did and the horrible memory of what I did.

The due date of March 25th when I could have been welcoming a new member of my family into the world, my son or daughter, a little brother or sister for my children.

The empty space between my 2 kids in the back seat of the car.

The knowledge that, every time I look into one of my precious children's eyes, I will know that I took away the joy from them of having a new sibling.

Every kid’s show, every Christmas, every family vacation, the ocean, the blue sky, making snow angels, learning to ride a bike, being at camp, etc., all the experiences I will see the others do, I will always know that I denied another innocent child of those very same joys.

Every new picture I hang on the wall - in my mind there will always be one missing.

The knowledge that when I go to heaven one day, I will have to answer to God.  I can never look back and say I lived my best life because I murdered another life.

Every time I look at my husband, I will remember he did not rescue me or our baby that day.  We were there 4 hours before and I tried everything to change his mind. 

Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I will know that I ultimately had the power to save my unborn child regardless of the outcome with my husband or the baby's health.

Every motherly instinct told me DON’T DO THIS and yet it is like a movie playing out in my head every second of every day.

I cannot sleep. I wish I could turn back time

I will never, ever, ever forgive myself for this! My heart is broken and can never be repaired.  

I know I have children that are counting on me for the rest of their lives to be there, but I don't know how I can be their best mom, knowing I am keeping this terrible secret.  They are so innocent.  How could I do this to them?
  
I will never have a Chloe Elizabeth or a Danny junior to love.  I took what was unplanned, a mistake in a way, but in my eyes God's will, and threw it all away because I thought it was my duty to protect, love and respect the feelings of my life partner.  What about the feelings of the innocent life I took?
   
I could go on and on but there is no point. Nothing anyone could say, not even God himself could say anything that could make me feel better.

Our Response:

How honest of you!  How fortunate that you have recorded these feelings instead of burying them so deep inside!   

You have asked for help from Project Rachel, so please read and hear the marvelous choice you have the opportunity to make NOW. 

THEN is gone and can't be relived,

but it can be forgiven and healed. 

›   Listen to your grief

Many women do not dare to grieve for the child they have aborted, yet they have every right to grieve when they realize that their choice was so final and not life-giving.  So definitely cry, grieve for the loss of your dear baby and all the moments of life on earth that your baby will not experience.   

›   Listen to your anger 

Many Project Rachel women are angry and don't know why -- you do.  You know now you had the strength to have said NO.  So now you know you have the strength, the power to say YES to healing.  You have a choice once again -- life, or slavery to the negative, dark emotions that this choice has left you with.  

›  Listen to your self-loathing

That is the "devil dancing" , a term we use in our Project Rachel support group.  He wants you so, so miserable for the rest of your life. 

 Do you want to be miserable

for the rest of your life? 

Many women feel that if they live the rest of their life in misery it will be proof of how really, really, really sorry they are.   Are you seeking this?  

We don't think so or else you would not be reaching out to Project Rachel for help.   

Do you want to play the devil's game or seek God's

compassionate, healing forgiveness? 

If you choose to continue to beat yourself up and feel unforgivable that is what you are doing to the exclusion of your dear children.  You may have aborted one dear child, please don’t ‘abort’ the others by neglecting to seek healing.

 “I will never, ever, ever forgive myself.”

That is true.  You will never ever be able to forgive yourself ON YOUR OWN.  You can forgive yourself only when you become open to receiving God's unconditional love and forgiveness.  He offers it continuously -- the only string attached is you have to open your heart to receive it.  He has not condemned you; you have done that to yourself.  One of our healed PR women said: “I thought God was coming after me to punish me, but He was coming after me to heal me.”

“Nothing anyone could say,

not even God himself could say anything

that could make me feel better.”

That is certainly how you feel now and it is being very, very honest.  Do you want to remain feeling this un-better for the rest of your life? 

Another of our healed PR women commented: “I realized that when I thought that God may forgive me but I would never be able to forgive myself, I was saying that I was greater than God. And I am not!”

You have been blessed with the courage to share your grief and sorrow over this choice. And, you have also been offered an opportunity to make a healthy choice for you and your aborted child, your other dear children and your husband. 

Either, you can continue to live in misery, OR you can choose to seek healing that reunites you with your dear baby whom you love so tenderly with a Mother’s heart. 

 This time the choice is really yours. 

We wish we were near you so we could give you a big hug and a promise that, if you choose to seek God’s awesome forgiveness, your heart will be mended. 

This woman told us she did not plan to name her baby, however a few weeks after she wrote her original note, she sent us a picture of a dear baby in the palm of an adult's hand.  She said she would call this baby Chloe!