Talking it over with God

You can't deny God once it is done.

Before my abortion choice, I did not have God in my life. Maybe if I had, I never would have made this decision. I knew at the time if I sought counsel from clergy, Birthright, family or even prayed about it, no one would understand what I was going through - how scared I was, or how guilty I felt for behaving so irresponsibly. Not even God would understand because to me I had already sinned by being an unwed mother. They would just tell me to keep the baby, because that was right for them.

I didn't want to be told I could not have this abortion done. So I did not seek any kind of help and suffered alone. I really thought at the time this abortion was the solution to the problem, not the problem itself. I had no idea what was to come.

When I was lying on the table, I wanted so bad to say to the nurse holding my hand, "I change my mind, I don't want to have this done." But I could not find the strength to say it. I knew in my heart I was doing something terribly wrong. I felt it in my soul. As I was lying there waiting, thoughts rushed through my head that maybe I could raise this baby, but it was too late. The anesthetic was in and then I was asleep.

After the procedure was done, I woke up in a panic. I really thought this was the solution, but it became my dark cloud. I felt this overwhelming sense that God was there. I don't know why but I knew immediately I would never be able to face Him again. So I shut God out. I was deeply ashamed, and facing God just made me feel more pain. Before the abortion, I was able to tell myself it wasn't a sin for me. I certainly could not deny the fact that after the abortion, it was.

I felt scared, alone, that I had let God down, my baby down, my family down. The same family I thought would leave me if I told them that I was pregnant.

For a decade I felt God. I felt Him like I never had, and I kept pushing Him away. I was too ashamed, and I knew He was going to ask me to do something difficult to get past this. I felt I didn't deserve this second chance, not with Him or myself or anyone. 'Let me suffer God because this is what I deserve', was my response to Him. But God never left me. How blessed I am!

I didn’t want to be told I could not have this abortion done. So I did not seek any kind of help and suffered alone. I really thought at the time this abortion was the solution to the problem, not the problem itself. I had no idea what was to come.

Then I found Project Rachel and I knew it was from the One who loves without conditions. I sought healing and forgiveness and that is just what I got!

Ashley Victoria's Mom (her abortion was in 1989)

God was not a part of my life growing up or in my twenties. Loss, abuse and other realities of a cruel world had closed the door and had prevented my spiritual awakening.

Therefore, when I became pregnant God was not someone I sought. In fact, I was so afraid and paranoid that I discussed my pregnancy with no one. I just folded up in shame, self-disgust and depression trying desperately to relieve the pain with alcohol.

In my early thirties, I joined a fellowship and stopped drinking. This breathed life into my spirit and thus began my journey with God. Now I discuss all things with God. He is my mentor, my friend, my father, and my brother.

If I could live my life over, He would be the first ONE I would go to. I know now that God loves me and would guide me no matter how difficult the task.

Christian's Mom (her abortion was in 1976)

Beforehand, I tried to hide from God. I thought I was making a conscious decision but in hindsight I realize I would not quiet my soul and talk to God out of fear that He would tell me to have this baby. Because of my previous stillbirth at 8 months, I was terrified to go through another pregnancy.

So I said to my baby I'm sorry but this is the best decision at the time. As soon as I heard the sound of the abortion, I knew it was wrong but it was too late and I passed out.

I felt I must do some sort of penance. I couldn't accept that God would just forgive me because of my remorse. It didn't seem enough. Thus I punished myself.

Because of Project Rachel, after healing I am confident in God's redemption - HIS GIFT OF GRACE!

Grace Roberta's Mom ( her abortion was in 1996)

God never entered into the picture. If I did pray, I don't remember. My biggest concern was what would people think of me if they knew I was pregnant. I had stopped going to church once I was allowed to make my own decisions.

During the abortion, I also never thought about God or how He would help get me through this pain and suffering. All I thought about after I woke up was that I had 'killed my baby' which I kept repeating over and over again for way too long. I became even more disconnected from God because I felt like a part of me had been cut away. I felt too empty and depressed to feel any contact or connection with God.

It has taken me many, many years since the abortion to start talking it over with God. I am sure over the years I prayed but I really didn't feel God was there for me. I had a lot of healing to do, not only just the abortion, but the pain of growing up in an abusive alcoholic home. I was a mess off and on. Perhaps all this suffering finally brought me to God. I was in 12 step programs for years trying to heal and recover. These programs are very spiritual so they helped lead me closer to God. I reached a point where they weren't spiritual enough and I started looking for churches and going to church once in awhile. I believe, though, it was really through the spiritual part of Project Rachel that I became closer to God because I was beginning to heal and some of that empty feeling was going away. It was an emptiness and disconnectedness that has kept me searching and trying to fill the void since the abortion. Through Project Rachel, and with the help of God and the other PR women, I was finally able to forgive myself after 30 years.

I now go to church on a regular basis and God is an important part of my life. I could not imagine where I would be if I didn't have God in my life. The emptiness I feel since the abortion will never completely go away, but it would be much worse if God wasn't there for me. I have also discovered that prayer is such an important part of life. It is a free gift that we can all offer to one another.

Elizabeth's Mom (her abortion was in 1972)

God's Response:

I will give up whole nations
to save your life, because
you are precious to me
and because I love you.

Isaiah 43:4