The On-Going Reality Of Such A Decision

How did the abortion change my life?

One day, one month, one year after, till present time?

Every passing year became worse. I was in denial at first, but the haunting feeling of loss, guilt and fear became more than I could bear. I knew that I had to come to the realization of what I had done. After a decade, I was desparate to get out of what I called the 'chains'. I needed to confess, to heal and I needed forgiveness. Forgiveness from God, myself, my family and my baby.

After the abortion, I realized I couldn't be true to the girl I knew I was or could be. I was buried beneath shame and fear and I had a sad and bitter spirit. I had robbed my baby of life. I had robbed myself of life.

I came to the realization that if I hadn't done anything wrong, why was I feeling such loss, sadness and guilt. I then knew this was a baby. This was a life that had ended and I was responsible.

Other than the abortion itself, nothing in my life has ever been more difficult to do than to face this realization and be healed from it. I am so grateful God graciously gave life back to me.

Ashley Victoria's Mom
(her abortion took place in 1989)

I was not married when I became pregnant and so from the moment of conception there was fear, confusion and shame. The abortion brought severe depression that was to last for many years.

Even now despite spiritual healing there are moments of sadness and I imagine there always will be. I had always wanted to marry and have children - a family; however, at 52 years of age, this will not be a reality for me.

Healing has meant being able to forgive myself and shed the shame and guilt. The most precious thing I have now because of Project Rachel is a spiritual connection with my unborn child.

Christian's Mom
(her abortion took place in 1976)

As part of the reality of this decision, each woman has come to realize the humanity of her unborn child and has lovingly named him/her.

It is a decision that can haunt you for years to come. When I told some of my friends of the abortion, they said I did the 'right thing.' This confirmed my lack of self-esteem - even they agreed I was not capable of being a single mom. But this was an UNTRUTH.

Grief is normal. It may feel like you are going crazy, but you're not. You are facing the truth, feeling the truth. If this happens to you it must be dealt with.

This was my last chance at having a baby. I am now 44 years old and do not foresee another pregnancy in my life.

I have to live with this loss the rest of my life - no one else, just me!! It will never completely heal. I shall wear this scar the rest of my life.

Grace Roberta's Mom
(her abortion took place in 1996)

One month after, I felt so empty. I felt I wasn't able to love anymore. For the first few years I was so depressed that I wasn't sure I wanted to live. I spent every single day several times a day telling myself "I killed my baby." Even though I was still with Elizabeth's father, we never talked about it after our trip to New York to have the abortion.

I thought of taking an overdose, but didn't. I sought counselling which helped for awhile but it never took the emptiness or loneliness away. Then for the first time I shared it with a friend. I had not shared my upset even with Elizabeth's father. Holding all this pain inside did not make for a very healthy relationship. I was unable to feel any of the love for my boyfriend that I had experienced before the abortion.

It took me between 15 - 25 years to share my abortion with my mother, sister and brother. It helped some at the time because at least they had a better understanding of why I was like I was. But it did not last long. I still felt empty and was still looking for ways to fill that void. I never told my father and wished I had because he is gone. When he died, I told him I forgave him for almost everything except the one thing I couldn't forgive him for. I regret that now.

Thirty years later, 2001, I finally found Project Rachel. I had emotional healing over the years, on and off, but I never really forgave myself through God's eyes. Project Rachel helped me to give my child a name, gave me a chance to meet other women who had experienced similar suffering but mainly it gave me the chance to finally forgive myself. Even though I do not have a child in body, I have one in spirit. Project Rachel also gave me the opportunity to share my sufferings with Elizabeth's father whom I hadn't seen in many, many years. It was healing for both of us. I had not realized that he too had felt guilt for many years!

In saying all this I am still working on being able to truly love someone again and don't know if I will ever meet that person. There is still somewhat of a void but I am on the right track.

Elizabeth's Mom
(her abortion took place in 1972)

I didn't have a child to bring up for the rest of my life. The pain did not go away. The pain grew with every year.

Each year I missed my child more. I did not stay connected to the child's father, whom I loved. I have experienced guilt and shame over my abortion choice daily.

Lola's Mom
(her abortion took place in 1992)

God's Response:

HE HAS RESCUED US
FROM THE POWER OF DARKNESS.
HE HAS NAILED
OUR DEBTS TO THE CROSS.

Colossians 1: 13; 2:14